Future Me is a Dumdum

And I don't mean the crappy lollipop you used to get for acing your spelling test. Although, they did suck. What kind of 'mystery' flavor is always grape? ALWAYS GRAPE. NO MYSTERY.

Photo by Michael Baldovinos on Unsplash

I’ve set aside time to write. I might even have a deadline. I’m ready to work. I sit down, I check in… and I’m anxious. I know I shouldn’t write when I’m anxious so I do some breathing. I take a walk.

Alright, let’s try again. I sit down, check in… and I’m worrying about not finishing the script. Or it will be terrible. Or both. Not a good vibe for writing. Okay. So, I take a bath. I meditate.

Take three. I sit down, check in… GODDAMMIT WHY CAN’T I CALM THE F DOWN DON’T I KNOW TIME IS RUNNING OUT AND THIS HAS TO BE AMAZING AND NOW I’M GOING TO END UP LIVING IN A DITCH FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Yeah. This happens. A lot. Even with trying to ground myself first or doing some unstructured writing to open up, sometimes my career-oriented anxiety still drowns out all the reasons why I’m writing in the first place: that I like telling stories, I want to connect with people, I have something to say, I’m fascinated by the human condition, etc. Instead, all that’s showing up is a desire to not be homeless. Although a strong motivator, not a great source of inspiration.

So, now what? Well, my anxiety wants me to just forge ahead anyway. Get it done! Go go go! Sleeping on asphalt will be bad for your back!

Except, I’ve learned by now that this is not a real option. Yes, I can make myself start typing and even finish something, but, most likely it won’t be great. Which means in the end I’ll have to do it over anyway. Which means… writing when I’m stuck in my head like this will always be a waste of time.

So, how do I proceed? Especially if there is a ticking clock?

Trusting My Future Self

I know I should wait to write until I’m feeling less wound up. But. I have a deadline. But. This needs to get done. But. What if I wait and it never gets finished? What if I never calm down and I’ll have waited for nothing? What if…

MY FUTURE SELF IS AN IDIOT?

And there it is. Why is it that when we are worried about something bad happening, we just assume that our future selves won’t be able to handle it? Or will mess it up? Or drop the ball? Or will just melt into a puddle?

Here is a hypothetical example: let’s say I find a weird spot on my back. I wonder if it’s skin cancer. I worry that it IS skin cancer. I think about how horrible it will be, how everything will fall apart, money gone, relationships over, living in a tent. In this scenario, what’s making me worried isn’t necessarily that I have skin cancer, it’s that I won’t be able to deal with whatever happens because of the skin cancer.

Except, I had thyroid cancer almost ten years ago. I dealt with that. Why don’t I think I could handle this? Why do I assume that Future Me sucks so bad at life?

When my anxiety is screaming at me to just write the script now, even though I know I’m not in the right frame of mind, it’s essentially telling me, “You can’t trust yourself to do this later. You are not reliable.” Which, empirically, doesn’t make any sense. I have decades of life behind me that proves the contrary.

So, when I have a deadline but I’m not in a good space to write, rule number one is:

Trust my Future Self.

I need to have faith that I will achieve what I set out to do. That something doesn’t have to happen right at this moment to ensure it will occur.  I have to stop questioning and doubting my future self.  Future Me is not lazy and unreliable.  Future Me is… Present Me. There’s no difference. So, if I would get it done now that means Future Me will get it done later.

Things to Remember

1 - I will complete it, whatever it is, even if I pause now to make sure it’s as authentically ‘me’ as it can be.

2 - that when I do complete it, the waiting will have been worth it.  If it’s coming from my authentic self then it will be something no one else could have written and therefore will be inherently more interesting than anything I could have written when I was stuck in my head.

3 - at the same time, it won’t crush me if what I eventually end up writing still doesn’t land with my audience the way I hoped.  They’re not all going to be winners - even if they are authentic.  This is true for even the most gifted writers in the world. 

This last one is important - with all the effort I put in to making sure I’m writing from a place that is real - it still doesn’t guarantee success. In the end, this is still about how my work connects with others, and just like there’s magic in putting myself on a page, there’s magic on their end when someone brings themselves to read it. How that plays out will always have an element of mystery and that can’t be forgotten.